Creations Poetry 23
Copyright Lyne's Creations November 2013, All Rights Reserved
You may NOT take copies of these poems for any reason.
Note: I often come back, re-read and even
edit my poems. They, like me,
are a work in progress. I may change a word here and there or I may add
a whole stanza! Some have art, and some will get illustrated later on.
Because I live in the city when I step out the door,
I weep for stars that can hardly be seen anymore,
Washed out from sight by constant ambient light,
The Milky Way is a vague memory, try as I might.
Someday when I'm released from physical restraint,
I'll be able to fly to the heavens without constraint,
I will live among those stars that sparkle and shine,
Then a life without pain and suffering will be mine.
Oh I will continue here for a while longer, never fear,
But when I am released, please do not shed a tear,
For I will be free and filled with such utter happiness,
Resting, contemplating a new lifetime free of such stress.
I believe our existence is one of continuing lives,
Some short, some long, our soul always survives,
Going on endless adventures throughout the Universe,
Home is among the stars that we continually traverse!
Those Sometime Feelings
There is such a fine line between "stuffing feelings"
that can later explode out, and not letting the wounds
of the past impinge on the present....
I'm so giving if given half a chance,
I'm so loving if just a little romanced,
I have so much that I'd willingly share,
If anyone really desired to care.
Yet life has left me so very aware,
Of how kind people are truly rare,
Thus I sit alone with none but my cat,
Trying really hard not to look back.
But....when something triggers memories...
He made love to me, or so it did appear,
In the longest running role of his career,
Being an actor of such considerable talent,
He had me believing in his adoring intent.
Now unseen beneath my poise and grace,
Are tears falling behind my smiling face,
It's a heavy burden; my shattered heart,
As I too now only play the fake part,
Of a happy go lucky girl full of laughter,
No longer believing in Happily Ever After.
Ultimately I feel safe by staying alone,
Safe from the past, locked in my home.
I'm actually happy living just with me,
Yet one part is missing in my reality,
An important element of what life's all about,
That single thing that's so hard to do without,
It is the intimate connection two souls can enjoy,
Between those of the same sex, or a girl and a boy,
And guys! I'm NOT talking only about physical things,
But the deeper bond honest emotional intimacy brings.
Thus at times, my heart hurts for that lack,
When memories come up and take me back,
To some sweet moment that was filled with joy,
That was then ripped from my soul by that one boy.
So I stay, alone, looking warily out my window,
Doing my best to learn, move forward and grow.
And most of the time, I am happy with this,
Until a memory tugs, like a soft fleeting kiss.
(I guess many of us have a "Mommy Dearest"
Mother in our lives, who leaves scars.)
You loved me until my brother was born,
Then cast me aside, it was me you did scorn,
You had your prize, a boy you could mold,
Second to him, I was left out in the cold.
So I was thrown away, for nine hours a day,
At the tender age of four, I had no right to say,
Mommy why did you throw me so far away,
All I wanted was a safe warm place to stay.
You tossed me aside, along with my Father,
Later you said his role was only the provider,
Giving you children to complete your life's scheme,
Thereafter you treated him unbelievably mean.
You found Dad a menial job at a private institution,
Sending us away for nine hour days, was your solution,
All I understood was that you did not seem to want me,
As you forced me into Daddy's car, for the long journey,
When it was still cold and dark outside in those early dawns,
I hunched over, hanging onto my lunch bucket, stifling yawns,
The journey was long, because my Father never conversed,
He could not relate to children, his own childhood was cursed.
I was frightened daily in that nasty strict private school,
Where punishment for being a lively child was the rule.
I was made to clean up my own vomit when I got sick,
In a crowded classroom where the stench was thick.
On other occasions I was forced to learn how to swim,
Thrown in the deep end no regard for the trouble I was in,
So I fled to the nurse's office and pretended to be ill,
Shaking with fear I must have appeared to have a chill.
I lay alone on a cot in a room, daily avoiding my watery doom,
Unable to find comfort, wishing my Father would come soon,
But he only came and glanced through the window from outside,
Incapable of understanding that his little girl was so terrified.
One day I went to see the horses and tried to climb the fence,
Getting a hand full of splinters, I was spanked for "having no sense"
Thus this child I was at the age of four, sat with tears streaming,
While the headmistress was screaming, I felt punished for feeling.
All I wanted was to be safe at home with my Mother,
But she was oblivious, happily busy with my brother.
As abandonment and abuse continued to accumulate,
I learned in those early years both to hide and to hate.
As A Result....
I looked to men who reinforced my Mother's mentality,
Allowing them to destroy all my of positive vitality,
They all left me on my own, completely abandoning me,
Reinforcing my sense of my own worthless reality.
I've spent most of life desperately trying to feel worthy,
Thus subconsciously fulfilling my Mother's prophesy,
Trying to actually believe I have a useful reason to live.
Yearning to feel I have something worthwhile to give,
I admit I still often abandon myself and my needs,
Hating every aspect of my health, which only leads,
To further self injury and lowering of self esteem,
Because one part feels I've no right to be redeemed.
Now late in life as I still fight that deep programming,
I work to give the hurt child inside loving understanding,
Which takes every ounce of energy, going to great lengths,
To completely believe, trust, and own my own inner strengths
I Need To Vent!
When nearly every hour of my day is spent,
Taking care of my health, I need to vent!
I am so exhausted trying to figure it all out,
With too many painful dilemmas, I start to pout.
Forced to stay germ safe, tucked up in my house,
With no way of being social but by pen or my mouse,
I try to keep busy with all my art and poetry,
Yet overdoing things really causes my hands to hurt me!
Which magnifies the loneliness, I must confess,
So when I can't be creative and allowed to express,
I bake or cook the two foods which I can still eat,
Play with my cat, watch my TV or just fall asleep.
Its quite a frustrating isolated existence I lead,
So limited it makes me cry and forces me to plead,
Could I just cry on your shoulder for a short time?
Have a virtual embrace as a sympathetic sign?
Then I'll truly feel better for the time you have spent,
Understanding my difficulties and my need to vent!
Evolution of Heartbreak
Sometimes I still miss him like it was yesterday,
And then I wish he'd just come along and say,
I would like to come back into your life and stay,
But that is simply my fantasy, and not his way.
It's just that songs continue to sing from my heart,
And I miss falling in love like we did at the start,
He does still appear in my dreams occasionally,
But melancholy tears fall when I wake to reality.
People are constantly telling me not to be sad,
They tire of my feelings, saying they are bad,
Friends can't know how it was uniquely special,
So they think I am just being overly sentimental.
Thus I return to making efforts to resist and desist,
Turn my mind to other things to distract, just exist,
Feeling that my heart's needs are just being dismissed,
But secretly remembering what it was like to be kissed.
I have lived my long life without any real love and care,
Then to unexpectedly have someone genuinely there,
Was like being given water in a vast desert of death,
So I've lost more than I can ever adequately express.
He led me along a path of my own choosing,
His was the kind of support never worth loosing,
Yet it was his own decision to turn and leave,
I think it's no wonder I sometimes still grieve.
Yet with an admitted TWO new girlfriends,
His love of change is the message he sends,
And his true nature of fickle rouge is displayed,
Leaving me to understand that I have been played.
Thus I am working hard to be there for myself,
Which would be easier without my difficult health,
The best kind of friends are those that don't inhibit,
Who support my feelings, good, bad or indifferent.
All I ever need is a simple: "I understand",
Or a virtual gentle taking hold of my hand,
Just knowing I'm not alone in this effort of mine,
Is the most encouraging uplifting kind of a sign.
I'd Rather Be An Island
The dearest person to me, within my own family,
Shared a special moment of her 60th Anniversary,
Sweetly dancing with her husband of all those years,
Brought joy into my heart for her, but for me just tears.
My sadness was brought into a very real clarity,
The emptiness of my own partner-less reality,
Like sharp shards of glass, the pain cuts into my heart,
I'd had love for a moment, only to have it ripped apart.
I'm ashamed her joy caused such feelings in me,
Which seems a very selfish and unkind way to be,
But how can I prevent my own true emotions,
Flooding into my heart like waves of the ocean.
If I am honest, I am sad most of the time,
It has always been the state of my mind,
It seems to be my life long cross to bare,
This extreme loneliness that's always there.
I'm working very hard to distract myself and learn,
How to be happy alone, yet tears well up burn,
So I am trying earnestly to change from an extrovert,
Into someone who does not need people: an introvert!
If I take care of me in all ways by myself,
Then I will never again need anyone else...
Though I know the dangers inherent in this,
Heartache is the one thing I would not miss!
Proud of the Little Things
I've been proud of myself lately, even for small things,
It feels really good; for the peace of mind that it brings.
Like the dishwasher's button I normally press,
Just stopped working, why it did is anybody's guess.
But instead of panicking about any repairman's germs,
I just chose another button, and in this way I learn,
There are many ways to solve the problems I encounter,
And I can give up old fears in which I used to flounder.
Besides, with the dishwasher, I ended up grinning with glee,
My solution saves on water and gas; more money for me!
It's a much shorter "wash" using that other button, you see!
So after that wash, I looked at the clean dishes and said GEE!
It's the same thing with a faucet that started to drip,
First I started to get nervous, chewing on my lip,
Then instead of getting upset, I stopped, thought it out,
It catches it's own drips, because it's the bathtub's spout!
Later when I tried moving that faucet handle firmly,
The drips that were dripping stopped dripping repeatedly,
Oh yes, occasionally it will still start dripping afresh,
But I no longer worry, I refuse to let it cause stress!
True, sooner or later I'll have to call that plumber,
But he'll more likely be germ free this coming summer!
I think I probably do have much more strength than I feel,
Looking at my life, I see I really AM able to deal.
It's just gaining confidence that I CAN depend on me,
Which I "should have by now" looking back on my history,
But that is okay, it takes time to change my inner outlook,
Which likely will be when I have enough poems for a book!
Go to the Top of Poetry Page I for
an index of all the Poetry pages! OR!-Just change the
in the url address to the next higher one, and hit enter to go to that page faster!
I have so many pages, it's getting crazy for my dyslexic mind to keep adding
individual links to each page thereafter.