The Psychology of My Life

I love psychology... I've never studied it formally but have been to many therapists (most NOT
good ones, one fairly good one that went bad, and one super helpful one I talk with by phone
currently) all my life.  Now at my age, I have started thinking about adding more to my "life
story" to include here- my website is pretty much ME, all aspects of me. I want to leave this
site as my legacy for my kids, and for my friends in life who've become my chosen family!
 

The following are "blog entries" I shared on my favorite 3d site community where I feel safe..
and I will be adding to this Blog Page

This is how I express myself these days....I've only begun to "hear my own voice" like this in the past 3 years or so. My Muse literally INSISTS that I write my feelings down about everything, besides pushing me to do my artwork! But the thing with my poetry that is so surprising to me, is that I generally do not even know how a poem will end! I just start writing and it sort of just "appears" from within! I wrote this when thinking of starting a blog, and trying to explain my process!

From Within

My heart was broken so badly,
Cracked wide open so very wide,
So while a part of me lives sadly,
My soul now expresses a new side.

Poetry just flows straight out of me,
Inspired both, by laughter and tears,
From the beauty of sights I see,
As well as all my joys and fears.

I did not know what was deep inside,
Now my innermost feelings shine,
From every corner that they reside,
Where they had aged like a fine wine.

These parts of me insist on being heard,
Often teaching me things I need to know,
Of a deeper knowledge, bringing the word,
Helping me to evolve, and really grow.

It seems from a deep sleep, I'm in recovery,
So now I live a life of self discovery,
And every day, I wait to see what I will say,
As on this changing road of life I make my way.
~Lyne's Creations

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The Impact of Early Childhood Experiences
11-10-2015

I wrote this in an e mail to a friend, when she was talking about a group she's working with, to help prevent a particular kind of negative experiences in children's lives... (won't go into it, that's private).... but I responded with a recent "sort of PTSD like" reaction in MY life that has enlightened me about why I have certain issues in my life...which as you will read, another friend listened and added to my understanding through his relating to my story!- isn't it neat how people sharing can help one another!? Soooo this is why I decided to make my story public - here on my HOME community where I feel safe!

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I was watching the first season of Agent Carter on DVD....and I was suddenly swept away in what I realized can only describe as true PTSD! Because I was 4 years old in that "early '50's era", the incredible reality of that TV show and some particular scenes in it, made me FEEL 4 years old and terrified beyond reason...

The winter I was 4 was a very wet winter for southern California, and so with all the rain and especially the SOUND of rain on the typical big black umbrella's with the look of the wet cement side walks in many scenes of a particular episode (can feel it even as I describe it!!) and the LOOK of it all, the gray dreary colors, oh and the big heavy cars of the time... all took me right back!!

I was AWARE of what was happening, but in trying to understand myself and my current emotional difficulties, I kept watching and sort of observed my feelings... I know PTSD is the loss of current reality - replaced by the reality of those times/events... and while I was aware of my surroundings, I could also "see" the school, see the interior of my Father's huge old Packard, and SEE the cold wet sidewalks/corridors or covered sidewalks of the private school I was forced to go to for 8 hours a day (since my Father worked there).... and EVERY horrifying, terrifying event came back to me with incredible clarity. I can't list ALL the things that happened in that year, but a couple were: repeatedly DROWNED daily in swimming class, and vomited on the classroom floor from a bad flu, being instantly punished and forced to clean it up myself....and the list goes on... (Keep in mind this was an EIGHT hour day for a 4 years old! Forced to be away from "Mommy" - who was busy with a new baby brother - the apple of her eye.... I felt "thrown away by my Mother" AND taken away by a Father who never spoke a word to me (children should be seen and not heard) on the long drive to and from that school.

Luckily my parents moved after that one year, and with my Father's job change, I was enrolled in the local public elementary school... of which I was TERRIFIED to go to.... I wonder why?! The damage was done.

Anyway, I was so shook up about my reaction to that TV show, I sent the DVD to a friend to keep, and I won't watch that particular show ever again... and of course I will talk to my therapist about it... But in the meantime I talked to another friend about it and he said something really helpful ... he said he had some things happen to HIM at THAT AGE...and those things STILL affect him now....He said that things that happen at that age BECOME INTRINSIC PART OF US and never go away.... and this helped me stop judging myself for those feelings... helped me "be gentle, understanding" of myself..... to accept that I may never be able to change or even manage my reactions to certain elements in life, because of the fact that those ARE an "INTRINSIC" part of ME! In a way I felt more relaxed if that makes any sense... I guess just knowing this truth: IT'S OK TO FEEL THIS WAY, and to be unable to "cure it" (that was demanded of me by my Mother, husbands, etc.)

Further, everything I was learning in class at that school - learning how to write, how to do my numbers, etc. is also part of the memories and feelings... for example, if I see certain colors, flowers, that I saw in lessons the FEELINGS are there and come automatically... It's very hard to describe and only with this event, do I now truly understand my "odd" emotional reactions to things, like seeing a certain color/type of flower! I had a lot of school lessons that were visual- "pick the one that is different" kind of thing, as well as laboring over making perfect letters and numbers... and I do mean PERFECT... that school was very harsh and strict in every way.

AND THE BIG THING: NO ONE KNEW! No one knew how I was feeling, especially not my parents! I was too young to communicate the wrongs done to me, the harshness of it all... here was a school with a swimming pool and horses...and I was drowned daily (until I found a way to save my own life, literally, by feigning illness to go to the nurse's daily during swim class!!) and PUNISHED for wanting to see the horses, because I ran my hand up a splintery wood post trying to step up on the fence to see the horses better... and on it goes..! It's a wonder that I love water, and don't fear it... My friend remarked "I bet you were one of those who sinks instead of floats, and I said YES as a matter of fact... I don't have the body strength to swim, I prefer being UNDER water with a mask.... oddly I did not develop a fear of water - which is good, but I did develop a fear and distrust of ADULTS!!

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I have been working ALL my life to understand myself, and others, the world and my place in it... I've always had to figure things out on my own, to "pull myself up by my own bootstraps" as they say.... coming from the type of parents, and then husbands, I've had in this life...(people do tend to repeat patterns/types of people they were raised with - had to get off that merry-go-round too!) I had to find the right books, then the right therapists, and all the while good friends who have all helped me on my way.... I always strive to "give back" by being open with my life experiences through my art and my words.... so just maybe I can help someone somewhere in some small way, by doing so.

The incredible impact of things that parents do, or don't do, when a child is very young ARE lasting.... Remember to love and understand yourself first, so you can love those in your life.
 


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